You see, Mom has been slowly losing her world.  Many years ago, due to back pain, she became confined to her small room.  After years of being active in church and raising a family, it slowly crept up on her.  Frankly, she could have fought it off and dealt with the pain better but each of us learns to deal with life in our own ways.  For her, she just sat down and decided to let the pain be her companion.

Not too many years ago deafness has continued to shut her world down.  No more country music and she can only make out the Walton’s reruns from her memory.

And now her vision.  Why?  Well, the sad truth is that all the strong pain meds she has taken for years have apparently been a big reason why she has lost most of her hearing and now her failing vision.

What makes some us sit down and quit and some of us get up and fight?  Why do I get impatient with Mom?  I see she gave up years ago and all she is suffering today is due to her quitting.  But what I see more clearly is that the reason I get impatient with her is that, for all my tough, “get up and fight” talk, I feel like quitting, too – sometimes.

And that makes me mad!  My impatience is a sign that I see the same thing in me.

They say admitting it is half the battle, so now you know.  And now I can maybe have a bit more patience with her, knowing how easy it is to just sit down and quit.  And now I can take myself in hand and resist the easier path of sitting down.

Caring for Mom has taught me many things about myself and, for this, I thank God – for his wisdom is seeing I needed to come face to face with my lazy side.  It has been hard watching her wither.  But now I know why.  Because I saw me in her – if I don’t make a point of being proactive with my health and staying “tight” with God – she will be me in 30 years.

I want to live everyday to its fullest, thanking God, praising Jesus, serving my husband, caring for my children and in-laws – right to the very end.  If God should give me the years, I will LIVE until I die.

Time went on and I had a family of 9 children; she had 5. They moved away due to economic hard times as did we. Then 3 years ago, it became rather apparent who would get the main job of caring for our in laws – my husband and me. It turns out I have a better temperament to deal with the inconsistencies of an aging older man who’s used to being independent and the rooster in his hen house.

So, Mom and Dad moved in next door. Remember, these are not my parents so it has been a mixed blessing of having their respect and also trying be a diplomat when my father in law struggles with losing his health and freedom.

At first I really bucked at this new “hat” I had to wear. I really didn’t feel qualified to take it on! But as things have turned out, all is as good as it can be in our circumstances.

Nursing home is still not an option for them, emotionally speaking as well as financially. Although I did have to lay down the law that I will not be able to take care of either of them if they get hurt like a broken hip or whatever. In that case, I had to tell them that they’ll have to recover in a nursing home or whatever suitable place.

What do you do? The fact remains: they are on their last leg of their journey of life. What a place to be when you are not emotional prepared. But are any of us ever prepared? Not really. We sort of sweep it under the rug.

But then one day there it is. Then your back is up against the wall. If it weren’t for my faith in God, I would have long since “lost it”.

You see, I am a problem solver. I can get very distracted solving problems, all the way from unclogging a sink to lengthening a handle to make the chair lever more usable for my mother in law.

But what do you do when you come face to face with something that has no solution? What do you do when what you have is a predicament that you just have to “deal with”?  Well, that is the key – learning how to deal with it.  It is times like this when chronic illness and failing health are just something to deal with.  Like death, there are some things you just must face.  Roll up your sleeves, dig in and take it one step at a time.

I am embarking on uncharted territory when I have to face the unsolvable.   Frankly, I thought I was a very devout, faithful believer.  But when faced with this kind of thing, well, it is time to really let the rubber meet the road in your faith.  All my fixing tools are gone.  I just have to walk in faith and deal with the daily inevitability of ill health and the long dying/death of my in-laws.

Is there hope?  That depends on how you look at all of life.  If you take a larger view, there is always hope.  I remind myself that what I see is not the whole picture.  My Father sees it all and in the whole scheme of things, what I am going through is no new thing.  I just need to learn to deal with a new way of living.  I am now learning to live the Serenity Prayer:

GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am the first one to tell you that I know that it isn’t Scripture but it is truth.  May you be able to learn the difference between the things you can change and the things you need to accept.

So how do you face it?  That has been my daily question and daily I get to discover the answers.  Each person – each situation is different.  In this blog I will share my gleanings so that perhaps it will help others.

I will tell you it is a lonely often sad job – caring for your aging parents.  There are lots of books on how to deal with various aspects of daily care, emotional deficiencies, helps available, etc.  I have gleaned much reading books which I will recommend later.  There are some forums online too if you need “community” which I found I do.

Right now, I will be upfront and say, it is hard to care for my in-laws – the hardest thing i have ever done and I have raised 9 kids at various levels of maturity.  Dealing with their struggle with loss of independence.  While learning compassion, it helps me to remember how hard it must be for them to give up something that has been so much part of their lives.

No, caring for aging parents is harder than raising kids and well, I think God prepared me for this by first letting me learn through raising my young adults (teens).  We all know the struggle of parent and growing adult child!!  You find yourself breathing a sigh of relief as they find their way to their own life.  I love my grown children but there is no doubt I was ready for them to leave the nest!

Well, caring for my in-laws is like that only, well, when they leave, it will be leaving this world.  Hence the rather dismal tone and feel to this season of their life.  Certainly we will rejoice when their frail, pain filled bodies are set free of this world – but it is nonetheless a melancholy time – no doubt.

Feel free to share your insight and any encouragment.  till next time…

The other day I noticed that Betty’s lips looked swollen and she commented that they felt hot. Her tongue was red too.  I called the nurse to see if we needed to get seen.  We ended up heading to see Rob, her PA.

 Turns out she wasn’t drinking enough water and since she is a mouth breather her mucus membranes were inflamed.  

He noticed, too, that she is anemic and ordered a blood test to confirm that she was unsafe.  Now she needs to take iron + B vitamins to help build her blood.  She may need a transfusion if this doesn’t work.

Wow, you just sort of plod along in life and don’t notice the signs till you crash.  I mean to be more careful in the future.  Life is fragile. Cherish it and care for your own body!

My “trophies” hung in the walls of my mind.  Knowing my kids and husband didn’t go to the doctor for typical illnesses and that even the toughies like pneumonia and bronchitis hung on the wall right up there with regulating/curing my lifelong digestive problems including chronic appendicitis (yes, it can be chronic).

I had built such a confidence bordering on pride in my achievements.  I could tell you you can heal anything with full expectation it is true.  But I lost track of the fact that I could only make these choices for my young children and willing husband.  As my children have gotten older, they choose to “forget” the cures Mom gave them all those years.  So far, only one of them has gone to the doctor for a mess of carbuncles in a very uncomfortable place.  But all of them still call Mom and ask, what do I do for_____?

Enter two aged adults with habits well set.  I knew (I still know!) if they would just change some things they would at the very least improve their quality of life and maybe even reverse some of the problems that cause their pains.  But old habits die hard.  And when you hurt – it takes all your strength to get through it not to mention trying a new lifestyle.  We turn to comforting habits of food and drink.  We tend to cling to the warmth of a chair or bed.  We don’t feel up to rocking the boat – it might toss us for good!

I love Betty and Ross enough to respect their choices for good or ill.  They have enough to live with without me making them upset with possible cures.  So like I brought up in the previous post, I will rest in my role of comforter and part time caregiver.

Thank you, God, for giving me the grace to love others when it is difficult.  And after all isn’t that what love is?

Back when they had choices even 5 years ago, habits were so engrained that, short of a miracle, they were set on their path of continued decline in health.

The daily grind for them spent mostly in a small room in the house next door to us.  It is a cycle of pain controlled by strong pain killers, anxiety controlled by anti anxiety meds, as well as a miscellany of other drugs for regulating body functions.  Bowel incontinence, urinary troubles, swallowing difficulties, unsteady as they walk,…

As their part time caregiver, it tears up my heart – daily.  I am conforted by the fact they are both Christians and believers in the saving blood of Christ so they will know eternal comfort.  But for now I see this ongoing, drawn out “dying”, if you will.  For there is no life in this part of their lives. 

I wrote to a sister/cousin who cares for her elderly family members, too, and for longer than I have.  I asked her if she could offer encouragement and suggestions.  Her reply was she could not offer “hope”, per se.  That is was hard for her, too.  But to not be weary in doing well.  Trusting in His grace and power to get through it day by day.

You know, though I hoped there was some special word or plan of action to help us through this, I seemed to release the struggle with trying to solve their health issues.  When I found that you just have to get through it, that was enough for me.  I could stop fretting and seaching and hoping in the hopeless (finding a miracle cure for their diseases). I can go on with the daily grind.  I can go over there with a smile.  I can give them the care they need.  My heart can rest.

My sister was right. Do not be weary in doing well.  Trust in the Lord for courage and cheer.  Let the light of God shine forth and through me giving me strength.  I can do all things Through Christ which strengthens me.

Very briefly, Mom and Dad, live next door to us.  They are both needing assistance for basic functions.  Dad takes care of her needs most of the time yet he is nearly crippled with his own bad knees and hip.

Mark or I take them to the doctor or pick up medicine of groceries.  I crush her meds into apple sauce.  We all get the opportunity to look for ways to make their life more comfortable.  The children get an opportunity to serve (I will discuss this in the future much more).  Yes, it is not easy but who said life would be easy?!

I provide special food for her as she cannot manage food that is more coarse than applesauce.  That gives me the opportunity to be somewhat creative.  Ever thought of making a beef stew in a food processor?  It’s her favorite!  I make it up in a casserole dish for a week’s worth of lunches.  I make mashed potatoes and layer them in the dish and then spoon the gravy-like consistency “stew” over it.  Dad or I will then cut a chunk everyday and heat it up on the stove.

I got ideas for no-chew foods from the The I-Can’t-Chew Cookbook: Delicious Soft Diet Recipes for People with Chewing, Swallowing, and Dry Mouth Disorders, if you’re interested.  All the recipes in it are standard favorites with the one main requirement that they are smooth in consistency.  This is useful for not only when one cannot swallow but for those times when teeth hurt or after a throat surgery.  Frankly, I was fresh out of ideas to make good tasting meals that were soft.  Borrow it from the library or read about it at Amazon.

Speaking of making a casserole, I must be off to make her weekly dish!