We thought Mom was dying.
She was starting to breath shallowly. She had a weak voice and unfinished sentences. She had stopped eating and had been suffering with pneumonia for a week. After talking with the nurses, it just seemed best to call the family. She might die; she might not, but they still wanted to see her “one last time”.
Who knew that they would all come!! OMG!! If it weren’t for the fact that my sis in law (a saint in more ways than one) took over, I know I would be overwhelmed with the energy all these folks brought to the place.
I just had to leave the scene. My third daughter was nearing labor and I was to be present so that was my “excuse” to Mom. So I spent most of the next three days with her.
Meanwhile, Mom’s only daughter came to stay with her for a few days and in the process she convinced Mom to try harder to hang in there. Mom’s oldest son decided to stay over and sleep in her room as now the anxiety had dear Mom spun into paranoia – crying for someone to hold her hand all the time. She couldn’t be left alone.
After three days her daughter left and Mom was even more anxious. Eldest son still slept in the room at night but even he was wearing out. My daughter had a beautiful baby boy and was doing fine so I had no excuse not to visit Mom so I went to see her.
It was Hell.
Hell is crying and not have anyone hear you. Hell is when nothing soothes. Hell is being afraid but not knowing what you’re afraid of and not being able to escape it. Her life was like a bad nightmare that she was living in.
That is what Mom was dealing with. Years of night fears all came back to haunt her all at once but they lasted all day too.
How can you possibly help a person like that? It’s as though I wasn’t even there to her. The worst part was that I had to tell her she couldn’t come home – that I couldn’t take care of her at home anymore. After her daughter had told her that if she just got better (ate her food, drank her water, did her therapy) she could go home and she got all spun up and excited, I had to let her down – I had to tell her “No” again, and I think she died inside a little more.
To top it all off, I had to ask my brother in law to wean her off the 24 hour hand holding. He understood, thankfully. But Mom is a basket case.
As I am typing this I wonder how she made it through the night. When I left her last night, she had me set her in bed just so. Her call button had to be just so, her light string just so, her bed control… just so. Then she asked me to stay till she fell asleep. I told her I would stay 5 minutes. Firmly and kindly. Her eyes met mine and there was contained fear in them.
My heart broke – again. As I left I peered over my shoulder and saw that she was feeling around for her call button which was pinned to her gown. When she found it, she clutched it like a lifeline.
And we all thought mom was dying.
Oh God, take her home. And if now is not the time, give me grace and strength to do what is best for all of us.
Oh and in case you are wondering where Dad is in all this. He had hernia surgery last week and is convalescing in the same facility as Mom just in different rooms. But that is another story.