Talks With Mom

Years ago, my sister in law and I discussed how we would care for our husbands’ parents as they approached the declining years. A nursing home was out of the picture, so we knew that one of us would take on the day to day care. At the time, I had no idea how that conversation would pan out. I sort of assumed that she would take on the “project” as I felt her personality lent itself to caring for others.

Time went on and I had a family of 9 children; she had 5. They moved away due to economic hard times as did we. Then 3 years ago, it became rather apparent who would get the main job of caring for our in laws – my husband and me. It turns out I have a better temperament to deal with the inconsistencies of an aging older man who’s used to being independent and the rooster in his hen house.

So, Mom and Dad moved in next door. Remember, these are not my parents so it has been a mixed blessing of having their respect and also trying be a diplomat when my father in law struggles with losing his health and freedom.

At first I really bucked at this new “hat” I had to wear. I really didn’t feel qualified to take it on! But as things have turned out, all is as good as it can be in our circumstances.

Nursing home is still not an option for them, emotionally speaking as well as financially. Although I did have to lay down the law that I will not be able to take care of either of them if they get hurt like a broken hip or whatever. In that case, I had to tell them that they’ll have to recover in a nursing home or whatever suitable place.

What do you do? The fact remains: they are on their last leg of their journey of life. What a place to be when you are not emotional prepared. But are any of us ever prepared? Not really. We sort of sweep it under the rug.

But then one day there it is. Then your back is up against the wall. If it weren’t for my faith in God, I would have long since “lost it”.

You see, I am a problem solver. I can get very distracted solving problems, all the way from unclogging a sink to lengthening a handle to make the chair lever more usable for my mother in law.

But what do you do when you come face to face with something that has no solution? What do you do when what you have is a predicament that you just have to “deal with”?  Well, that is the key – learning how to deal with it.  It is times like this when chronic illness and failing health are just something to deal with.  Like death, there are some things you just must face.  Roll up your sleeves, dig in and take it one step at a time.

I am embarking on uncharted territory when I have to face the unsolvable.   Frankly, I thought I was a very devout, faithful believer.  But when faced with this kind of thing, well, it is time to really let the rubber meet the road in your faith.  All my fixing tools are gone.  I just have to walk in faith and deal with the daily inevitability of ill health and the long dying/death of my in-laws.

Is there hope?  That depends on how you look at all of life.  If you take a larger view, there is always hope.  I remind myself that what I see is not the whole picture.  My Father sees it all and in the whole scheme of things, what I am going through is no new thing.  I just need to learn to deal with a new way of living.  I am now learning to live the Serenity Prayer:

GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am the first one to tell you that I know that it isn’t Scripture but it is truth.  May you be able to learn the difference between the things you can change and the things you need to accept.