I think that is the hardest part of elder care. I have told many I have come in contact with that I would almost rather deal with a hormonal teenager than my dear demented mother in law.

So much of the story of the past 5 years has been left out but I will begin to try to tell it, if only for you, dear reader.  Maybe it will help you with your own struggles with mom or dad.

I’ll pick up the last few months for now to bring you up to speed. Mom (remember she is my mother in law but Mom is just easier to say) had to go to the ER at the first part of February. She had had a runny diarrhea for days, a fever, acted confused, was vomiting for hours and had bad stomach pains so against her wishes, we called “the guys” (paramedics) to come take a look at her. Yup, something was not right so off to the ER.

Mom was very sick. She had been vomiting for hours and at the ER they almost pumped her stomach to stop the process as she was getting so weak. The fear was that she would aspirate her vomit and that would be deadly.  Thankfully for her sake, she stopped long enough to just leave her be.

It turned out after all the testing that she had a partial bowel obstruction hence the vomiting . The contents of her last few vomits were stool like…  AND an advanced UTI which explains the confusion the last few days prior to the ER visit. Don’t ask me why I didn’t see the symptoms of UTI as I had seen them twice before. I just didn’t.

Anyway, she was very upset that she had to be admitted to the hospital and yet there was no choice. She needed to be on at least two antibiotics on IV and she was raging with the fever and the confusion caused by the UTI.

She did stay at the hospital for 6 days till the concern over the bowel obstruction had cleared. The doctor told me she would leave the hospital the next day so I came prepared to take her home. When I got there, he took me and husband aside and basically told us, get on with your own life. Your Mom is taking away from precious time with your family life. It’s time to have her cared for at a rehab/long term care facility.

After years of hoping to never be institutionalized, now came time to face facts. She was too sick to stay at home anymore. After years of caring for her at home, I had to tell her no. This “no” seemed to kill her and a bit of me died too.

Sadness and relief came at the same time.  And guilt. Even though I never promised to care for her no matter what, Mom assumed I would. I finally had to tell her she was too ill for me to take care of her at home. My family was suffering for all the time I was spending with her.  And telling Mom ‘No” has been the best, hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Time went on and I had a family of 9 children; she had 5. They moved away due to economic hard times as did we. Then 3 years ago, it became rather apparent who would get the main job of caring for our in laws – my husband and me. It turns out I have a better temperament to deal with the inconsistencies of an aging older man who’s used to being independent and the rooster in his hen house.

So, Mom and Dad moved in next door. Remember, these are not my parents so it has been a mixed blessing of having their respect and also trying be a diplomat when my father in law struggles with losing his health and freedom.

At first I really bucked at this new “hat” I had to wear. I really didn’t feel qualified to take it on! But as things have turned out, all is as good as it can be in our circumstances.

Nursing home is still not an option for them, emotionally speaking as well as financially. Although I did have to lay down the law that I will not be able to take care of either of them if they get hurt like a broken hip or whatever. In that case, I had to tell them that they’ll have to recover in a nursing home or whatever suitable place.

What do you do? The fact remains: they are on their last leg of their journey of life. What a place to be when you are not emotional prepared. But are any of us ever prepared? Not really. We sort of sweep it under the rug.

But then one day there it is. Then your back is up against the wall. If it weren’t for my faith in God, I would have long since “lost it”.

You see, I am a problem solver. I can get very distracted solving problems, all the way from unclogging a sink to lengthening a handle to make the chair lever more usable for my mother in law.

But what do you do when you come face to face with something that has no solution? What do you do when what you have is a predicament that you just have to “deal with”?  Well, that is the key – learning how to deal with it.  It is times like this when chronic illness and failing health are just something to deal with.  Like death, there are some things you just must face.  Roll up your sleeves, dig in and take it one step at a time.

I am embarking on uncharted territory when I have to face the unsolvable.   Frankly, I thought I was a very devout, faithful believer.  But when faced with this kind of thing, well, it is time to really let the rubber meet the road in your faith.  All my fixing tools are gone.  I just have to walk in faith and deal with the daily inevitability of ill health and the long dying/death of my in-laws.

Is there hope?  That depends on how you look at all of life.  If you take a larger view, there is always hope.  I remind myself that what I see is not the whole picture.  My Father sees it all and in the whole scheme of things, what I am going through is no new thing.  I just need to learn to deal with a new way of living.  I am now learning to live the Serenity Prayer:

GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am the first one to tell you that I know that it isn’t Scripture but it is truth.  May you be able to learn the difference between the things you can change and the things you need to accept.

So how do you face it?  That has been my daily question and daily I get to discover the answers.  Each person – each situation is different.  In this blog I will share my gleanings so that perhaps it will help others.

I will tell you it is a lonely often sad job – caring for your aging parents.  There are lots of books on how to deal with various aspects of daily care, emotional deficiencies, helps available, etc.  I have gleaned much reading books which I will recommend later.  There are some forums online too if you need “community” which I found I do.

Right now, I will be upfront and say, it is hard to care for my in-laws – the hardest thing i have ever done and I have raised 9 kids at various levels of maturity.  Dealing with their struggle with loss of independence.  While learning compassion, it helps me to remember how hard it must be for them to give up something that has been so much part of their lives.

No, caring for aging parents is harder than raising kids and well, I think God prepared me for this by first letting me learn through raising my young adults (teens).  We all know the struggle of parent and growing adult child!!  You find yourself breathing a sigh of relief as they find their way to their own life.  I love my grown children but there is no doubt I was ready for them to leave the nest!

Well, caring for my in-laws is like that only, well, when they leave, it will be leaving this world.  Hence the rather dismal tone and feel to this season of their life.  Certainly we will rejoice when their frail, pain filled bodies are set free of this world – but it is nonetheless a melancholy time – no doubt.

Feel free to share your insight and any encouragment.  till next time…