I think that is the hardest part of elder care. I have told many I have come in contact with that I would almost rather deal with a hormonal teenager than my dear demented mother in law.

So much of the story of the past 5 years has been left out but I will begin to try to tell it, if only for you, dear reader.  Maybe it will help you with your own struggles with mom or dad.

I’ll pick up the last few months for now to bring you up to speed. Mom (remember she is my mother in law but Mom is just easier to say) had to go to the ER at the first part of February. She had had a runny diarrhea for days, a fever, acted confused, was vomiting for hours and had bad stomach pains so against her wishes, we called “the guys” (paramedics) to come take a look at her. Yup, something was not right so off to the ER.

Mom was very sick. She had been vomiting for hours and at the ER they almost pumped her stomach to stop the process as she was getting so weak. The fear was that she would aspirate her vomit and that would be deadly.  Thankfully for her sake, she stopped long enough to just leave her be.

It turned out after all the testing that she had a partial bowel obstruction hence the vomiting . The contents of her last few vomits were stool like…  AND an advanced UTI which explains the confusion the last few days prior to the ER visit. Don’t ask me why I didn’t see the symptoms of UTI as I had seen them twice before. I just didn’t.

Anyway, she was very upset that she had to be admitted to the hospital and yet there was no choice. She needed to be on at least two antibiotics on IV and she was raging with the fever and the confusion caused by the UTI.

She did stay at the hospital for 6 days till the concern over the bowel obstruction had cleared. The doctor told me she would leave the hospital the next day so I came prepared to take her home. When I got there, he took me and husband aside and basically told us, get on with your own life. Your Mom is taking away from precious time with your family life. It’s time to have her cared for at a rehab/long term care facility.

After years of hoping to never be institutionalized, now came time to face facts. She was too sick to stay at home anymore. After years of caring for her at home, I had to tell her no. This “no” seemed to kill her and a bit of me died too.

Sadness and relief came at the same time.  And guilt. Even though I never promised to care for her no matter what, Mom assumed I would. I finally had to tell her she was too ill for me to take care of her at home. My family was suffering for all the time I was spending with her.  And telling Mom ‘No” has been the best, hardest decision I have ever had to make.

You see, Mom has been slowly losing her world.  Many years ago, due to back pain, she became confined to her small room.  After years of being active in church and raising a family, it slowly crept up on her.  Frankly, she could have fought it off and dealt with the pain better but each of us learns to deal with life in our own ways.  For her, she just sat down and decided to let the pain be her companion.

Not too many years ago deafness has continued to shut her world down.  No more country music and she can only make out the Walton’s reruns from her memory.

And now her vision.  Why?  Well, the sad truth is that all the strong pain meds she has taken for years have apparently been a big reason why she has lost most of her hearing and now her failing vision.

What makes some us sit down and quit and some of us get up and fight?  Why do I get impatient with Mom?  I see she gave up years ago and all she is suffering today is due to her quitting.  But what I see more clearly is that the reason I get impatient with her is that, for all my tough, “get up and fight” talk, I feel like quitting, too – sometimes.

And that makes me mad!  My impatience is a sign that I see the same thing in me.

They say admitting it is half the battle, so now you know.  And now I can maybe have a bit more patience with her, knowing how easy it is to just sit down and quit.  And now I can take myself in hand and resist the easier path of sitting down.

Caring for Mom has taught me many things about myself and, for this, I thank God – for his wisdom is seeing I needed to come face to face with my lazy side.  It has been hard watching her wither.  But now I know why.  Because I saw me in her – if I don’t make a point of being proactive with my health and staying “tight” with God – she will be me in 30 years.

I want to live everyday to its fullest, thanking God, praising Jesus, serving my husband, caring for my children and in-laws – right to the very end.  If God should give me the years, I will LIVE until I die.

So how do you face it?  That has been my daily question and daily I get to discover the answers.  Each person – each situation is different.  In this blog I will share my gleanings so that perhaps it will help others.

I will tell you it is a lonely often sad job – caring for your aging parents.  There are lots of books on how to deal with various aspects of daily care, emotional deficiencies, helps available, etc.  I have gleaned much reading books which I will recommend later.  There are some forums online too if you need “community” which I found I do.

Right now, I will be upfront and say, it is hard to care for my in-laws – the hardest thing i have ever done and I have raised 9 kids at various levels of maturity.  Dealing with their struggle with loss of independence.  While learning compassion, it helps me to remember how hard it must be for them to give up something that has been so much part of their lives.

No, caring for aging parents is harder than raising kids and well, I think God prepared me for this by first letting me learn through raising my young adults (teens).  We all know the struggle of parent and growing adult child!!  You find yourself breathing a sigh of relief as they find their way to their own life.  I love my grown children but there is no doubt I was ready for them to leave the nest!

Well, caring for my in-laws is like that only, well, when they leave, it will be leaving this world.  Hence the rather dismal tone and feel to this season of their life.  Certainly we will rejoice when their frail, pain filled bodies are set free of this world – but it is nonetheless a melancholy time – no doubt.

Feel free to share your insight and any encouragment.  till next time…

The other day I noticed that Betty’s lips looked swollen and she commented that they felt hot. Her tongue was red too.  I called the nurse to see if we needed to get seen.  We ended up heading to see Rob, her PA.

 Turns out she wasn’t drinking enough water and since she is a mouth breather her mucus membranes were inflamed.  

He noticed, too, that she is anemic and ordered a blood test to confirm that she was unsafe.  Now she needs to take iron + B vitamins to help build her blood.  She may need a transfusion if this doesn’t work.

Wow, you just sort of plod along in life and don’t notice the signs till you crash.  I mean to be more careful in the future.  Life is fragile. Cherish it and care for your own body!

Very briefly, Mom and Dad, live next door to us.  They are both needing assistance for basic functions.  Dad takes care of her needs most of the time yet he is nearly crippled with his own bad knees and hip.

Mark or I take them to the doctor or pick up medicine of groceries.  I crush her meds into apple sauce.  We all get the opportunity to look for ways to make their life more comfortable.  The children get an opportunity to serve (I will discuss this in the future much more).  Yes, it is not easy but who said life would be easy?!

I provide special food for her as she cannot manage food that is more coarse than applesauce.  That gives me the opportunity to be somewhat creative.  Ever thought of making a beef stew in a food processor?  It’s her favorite!  I make it up in a casserole dish for a week’s worth of lunches.  I make mashed potatoes and layer them in the dish and then spoon the gravy-like consistency “stew” over it.  Dad or I will then cut a chunk everyday and heat it up on the stove.

I got ideas for no-chew foods from the The I-Can’t-Chew Cookbook: Delicious Soft Diet Recipes for People with Chewing, Swallowing, and Dry Mouth Disorders, if you’re interested.  All the recipes in it are standard favorites with the one main requirement that they are smooth in consistency.  This is useful for not only when one cannot swallow but for those times when teeth hurt or after a throat surgery.  Frankly, I was fresh out of ideas to make good tasting meals that were soft.  Borrow it from the library or read about it at Amazon.

Speaking of making a casserole, I must be off to make her weekly dish!